You know you are Scottish if…..

– You consider scattered showers with outbreaks of sunshine as good weather.

– The only sausage you like is square.

– You have been forced to do Scottish country dancing every year at secondary school.

– You have a wide vocabulary of Scottish words such as numpty, aye, aye right, auldjin, baltic…

– You have an enormous feeling of dread whenever Scotland play a ‘numpty’ team like the Faroe Islands .

– You happily engage in a conversation about the weather with someone you’ve never met before. – You got Oor Wullie and The Broons annuals at Xmas.

– You can tell where another Scot is from by their accent – “Awright, pal, gonnae gies a wee swatch oa yur Sun ? Cheers, magic pal.” Or “Fit ya bin up tae ? Fair few quines in the nicht, eh ?”, etc

– You see cops and hear someone shout ‘Errapolis’.

– You have eaten lots and lots of random Scottish food like mince ‘n tatties, Tunnock’s Caramel Logs, oat cakes, haggis, Cullen skink, Lees Macaroon Bars, etc.

– Whenever you see sawdust it reminds you of pools of vomit as that’s what the jannies used to chuck on it at school.

– You lose all respect for a groom who doesn’t wear a kilt.

– You don’t do shopping… you ‘go the messages’.

– You’re sitting on the train or bus and a drunk man sits next to you telling you a joke – and asking ‘Ahm no annoying ye ahm a?’ and you respond ‘Naw, not at a’, yer fine. This is ma stoap, but’.

– You know that ye cannae fling yer pieces oot a 20 storey flat, and that seven hundred hungry weans’ll testify tae that. Furthermore you’re sure that if it’s butter, cheese or jeely, or if the breid is plain or pan, the odds against it reaching earth are 99 tae wan.

– Your national team goes 2-0 up again the Czechs in a qualifier in Prague and your mate says we’ll end up losing 3-2 here and you think “Probably”.

– You can properly pronounce McConnochie, Ecclefechan, Milngavie, and Auchtermuchty.

– Your favourite pizza is deep fried and battered from the chippy.

– You’re used to 4 seasons in one day.

– You can fall about drunk without spilling your drink.

– You can understand Rab C Nesbitt and know characters just like them in your own family.

– You know what haggis is made with and still eat it.

– Somebody you know used a football schedule to plan their wedding day date.

– You’ve been at a wedding where the footie results were read out.

– You aren’t surprised to find curries, pizzas, kebabs, Irn Bru, nappies and fags all for sale in one shop.

– Your seaside holiday home has Calor gas under it.

– You know that Irn Bru is an infallible hangover cure.

– You use terms such as “How’s it hingin’?”, “clatty”, “boggin”, “cludgie”, “dreich”, “bampot”, “bawheid”, “bawbag” and “dubble nugget”.

AND FINALLY….. You understand all the above and are going to send it to your pals.

(With thanks to ma pal Aileen – guid on yer hen.)


11 thoughts on “You know you are Scottish if…..

    1. A lot of it is in-jokes, but I am glad you enjoyed it… Scotland has several distinct languages as well as dialetcs, the main ones being Scots and Doric (as well as Gaelic) Doric was spoken in the North East; Scots over most of the middle and bottom… Then Orkney and Shetland have their own dialects based on Norn, which was an old Norse language.

      A very complex mix in a small space!!


  1. Ahm greetin an laughin at the same time. 45 years an exile south of the border an Ah still caw Glesca hame. The only thing missing from the list is…You are not offended by back chat nor rhetorical questions concerning your appearance! Gie ma thanks tae yer pal, hen.

    1. I spent several very happy years in Glasgow – not too far from Milngavie!! I loved shopping in the city centre – when you were trying things on complete strangers would comment – good or bad – lovely place, lovely people… Awful one way systems, though…


  2. Liz – I love it ! The list seems appropriate for the whole of Scotland and embraces our love of football ! I’ve had a good laugh and been reminded of things from my long ago childhood !!

  3. Loved it ! My great-grandmother, Katie Birmingham, was from Glasgow. All the men in the family were coal miners in Govan/Gorbals area until they emigrated in the late 1860’s. They had to be tough to live in those conditions and I’m very proud of my Scottish heritage. Thanks for sharing.


  4. apart from the language lines – the rest would happily fit over here too:)) and I know what’s in haggis – and still like to eat it! and not a scot in sight in my family line:)) but great fun to read it!

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